*melts* i love this. especially the 'but when i look into your eyes/you stab me in the heart' beautiful!! i like the chorus (?) pattern, with the verb and then the line. its nice. and then the last two lines. i can't really find anythin to critique here. you have excellent flow and some beautiful lines. great job +fav

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//thezimchick

{the truth is out there}
{and so are sheep!}

attempting a poem about a subject ridden with cliche - brave or stupid?
I think this has its merits, though I feel that maybe you should mess with the structure to make it more of a visual piece, as this might benefit it.
[just suggestions]


.Bleeding.
My bullet wounds aren't ever
(Leaving)
The hole in my heart is always
.Screaming.
because I loved you

My soul screams in agony
Every second we're

apart

But when I look into your eyes
You stab me
(in the heart)

Sleeping.
My dormant hatred lies here
ever
Teeming
With anger pouring
over I am
Screaming
All of this because
.I loved you.

My soul screams in agony
Every second we're apart
when I look into your eyes
You stab me (in the heart)

loved you once
(killed me twice)





It's just that by doing that sort of "rejigging" it seems less teen angst, and more real. Because heartache is real and I feel this piece.
In its original form I have no big problems with it, just the last two lines annoy me hugely.

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x